


A Place Only You Can Go

by searchingwardrobes



Series: needtobreathe [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Deleted Scenes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Intimacy, F/M, Panic Attacks, s06x06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 10:58:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12297813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searchingwardrobes/pseuds/searchingwardrobes
Summary: It's 6A, and Killian has just moved in with Emma. She feels a panic attack coming on, but she thinks she can't let him see her like this . . . Killian proves her wrong.The stories in this series have only two self-imposed rules: all must be deleted scenes, and all must be based on a needtobreathesong. Because needtobreathe is awesome and half their songs make me think of this OTP anyway.





	A Place Only You Can Go

**Author's Note:**

> * This one has a more vague placement than the first two deleted scenes. I'm imagining it sometime between 6x6 and 6x7. They've recently moved in together, Killian knows about Emma's visions, and Emma knows about the shears.  
> * There's no tag for emotional intimacy! Can you believe that? I always just have to write that in. Come on people, it's a really important thing in a relationship!  
> * This is a highly personal one for me. I'm going to be super real right now: I have panic attacks. I'm getting help, and it's getting better, but they are really scary. This is sort of based on the first time I had one in front of my husband. He was so wonderful -a regular knight in shining armor! So this is dedicated to everyone out there who has dealt with this.

_Pain is alive in a broken heart The past never does go away We were born to love And we're born to pay The price for our mistakes Grace, she comes with a heavy load Memories, they can't be erased Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well But leaves an awful taste Oh, I know this song won't do Enough to prove my love to you In my heart you'll always know There is a place only love can go There is a place only you can go_

Emma listened to Killian’s even breaths beside her, then she rolled over towards him and watched him breathe. In. Out. Maybe seeing him sleeping so calmly would settle her own heart back to an even rhythm. Yet the more she watched his chest rise and fall, the more erratic her own became. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, struggling to control the air invading her lungs, but the harder she tried, the more she gasped. Her heart was beating so hard, she was amazed it hadn’t awakened Killian. She pressed her hand to her chest and pushed. Was she having a heart attack? But no, she couldn’t be. She had seen her death. And it wasn’t here in her bed.

              The sheets and blankets were suddenly much too suffocating, and she suppressed the urge to fling them aside. Instead she eased her way out from under them, careful not to disturb the man beside her. Then she tiptoed as softly as she could to the master bathroom, although her limbs shook beneath her.

              Once she closed the door behind her, she practically collapsed onto the cool tile floor. She eased backwards, pressing herself against the wall and curling her knees up to her chin. Her breaths were coming shorter and faster now, and she was gasping like that mermaid she remembered flopping around on Killian’s deck in Neverland. She rocked back and forth, wishing she could breathe normally again, but nothing seemed to help. And her heart thumped so loudly now, it rang in her ears.

              “Swan?”

              The concerned voice was accompanied by light spilling through the open bathroom door. Emma gasped even more at the sight of Killian standing there, wreathed in the light from the bedside lamp. The blue flannel pajama pants she had bought for him hung low on his waist, and the low light cast shadows along his bare chest. He had only moved in a few days ago, so she could count on just one hand the number of times she had seen him without his brace. The sight still brought tears to her eyes for some reason. Of course, tears seemed just below the surface on a constant basis lately.

              She burst into them now – the tears. Her breath came in wheezing gasps now as they coursed hotly down her face. Killian said nothing, merely dropping to the floor beside her. He rubbed her back slowly, saying nothing at first. Not until her tears slowed and she was no longer full-out sobbing.

              “Don’t push the air out when you exhale, just let it come.” Emma just nodded as she did as he instructed, lack of oxygen making it almost impossible to speak.

              “That’s my lass,” he encouraged as he shifted them both around. He slid behind her so that she was leaning her back against his chest. His arms encircled her. “Breathe with me,” he told her, “in . . . out . . . slow and easy.”

              It felt like it took hours, but finally Emma’s breathing slowed and her heart stopped racing. Still, Killian held her. She turned towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He gathered her in his lap like a child and ran his fingers through her hair. He pressed his lips against her hair, but still he said nothing.

              “I’m sorry, Killian,” she finally whispered.

              “What’s there to be sorry for?” he asked her sincerely.

              She let out a long, shuddering breath, and for one terrifying moment, she feared the panic attack would start all over again. She pressed her eyes shut tight and counted to ten as she imagined breathing against Killian’s chest again. “For falling apart.” Emma was surprised at the tiny sound of her own voice. She wondered if he even heard. But then he held her tighter, and she knew he had.

              “I’ll repeat myself,” he said firmly, “that is nothing you need to apologize for. Strength is many things. And this? This is strength too, love.”

              In that moment, Emma was surprised to realize that her greatest fear had been disappointing him. Or simply being too much. After all, never had she opened herself up to someone so completely. Never had she shared a home this way. Outside of the loft with her parents, this was the only home she had ever had. Period.

              “I guess,” Emma whispered against his collarbone, “I guess I have that same fear I used to have as a foster kid. That I’ll be too much trouble, you know?”

              Killian kissed her forehead. “I lived on a pirate ship with a sorry lot of uncouth, disgusting men who rarely bathed. Believe me, darling, you’ll never be too much trouble.”

              Emma managed to laugh at that, though she knew there was sincerity behind his teasing. “I’m tired,” she told him, nuzzling against Killian’s jaw.

              He stood smoothly with her still in his arms and carried her to the bed. When he got in with her, she cuddled against his side, pulling his left arm across her body. She held his stump with her right hand, her thumb caressing the edges.

              “Killian?”

              “Mmhm?”

              “How did you know what to do for my panic attack?” Emma had suffered from them all of her life, though she hadn’t had one since right after giving up Henry. In all those years, she had suffered alone, struggling through them, thinking she was dying, but not wanting anyone to see her as weak.

              No, as a burden. She didn’t want anyone to think she was a burden.

              “Well,” Killian answered, shifting so that they were facing one another, his right hand resting on her hip, “I never called them that, but something similar used to happen to me when I was a lad. Liam did what I just did for you – getting me to breathe with him.”

              Emma reached out and caressed his cheek, “You’re the only person who’s ever seen me have one.”

              Killian’s brow furrowed. “Not even Neal?”

              “No,” Emma sighed, “I had one – once – when we were together. I locked myself in a bathroom. Lied and told him I got sick.” She paused for a moment, biting her lip as she regarded him. “What about Milah?”

              Killian turned his face to kiss her palm. “I only had them when I was a lad. Never told anyone about them. Until now.”

              “I haven’t had one since I got out of jail. I don’t know why it’s happening again.” A tear slipped from her eye, and Killian caught it as it fell.

              “You’ve been through a lot love, we both have.”

              Emma leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. When she pulled away, she smiled tenderly at him. “Thank you for letting me be a mess. For loving me enough that I can be real.”

              He smiled back and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “And I feel the same about you.”

              Killian drew her close once again and she fell asleep in the circle of his arms, her breaths matching his. In. Out.

_Take my notions and words to heart This is the cry of a man I can't bring you fortune or noble life But I'll love you all I can Oh, I know this song won't do Enough to prove my love to you In my heart you'll always know There is a place only you can go_


End file.
